DIRECTIONLESS- A GARMENT THE LOCKDOWN CLOTHED ME WITH

Feature Story

I recall the exact day before I left school for home. I was packing few clothes into my bag and I was excited. To me, I was taking a break from school and all the courses that were giving me a headache and I’d be back in a month- enough time to relax and return just in time for my birthday. That night, I picked a few handouts and stuffed it inside my bag, telling myself that I would not be gone for long anyway so I needed just few. Very early in the morning that day, I happily left Awka for Port Harcourt. “Home sweet home,” was the mantra chanting in my brain. And sweet the home was, at first anyways. It felt superb to just be home, away from all the school wahala! No assignments to submit urgently, no surprise quiz, no experiments to conduct in the lab. Plus, since I was away for a while, the house work was allocated to my siblings so I did not even get to do much housework. It was almost heaven for me, I was relaxing.

I was not even fazed by the corona virus plague at first. I was not even bothered when the days slowly grew into a month and finally my birthday. I had a beautiful birthday celebration indoors with my family, the best birthday celebration in fact. Life was still wonderful to me. I told myself, “Just a little more now. Perhaps in a month’s time, all these would be over and I would return to school.” I was studying in bits so that when school resumed, I’d be half prepared for exam. (Yes oh! Half prepared.)

Fast-forward to two months later, the corona virus plague had gotten worse in the weeks that passed. There were recorded news of death cases and a lock down had been enforced. The fear of death gripped me. I started wondering how many faces I saw in school that I’d never see again if the plague got worse. It struck me then how very fickle life is and how you could see someone for the last time, never knowing it’s the last time you will see them till you know it’s the last time you saw them. My prayer points began to involve the safety of my friends, family and relatives.

As the months went by, the lockdown eased, got enforced again then repeated the cycle. I was tired. I am an indoor kind of person but I was suffocated from being indoors. I was exhausted I just wanted everything to end. All the while, I wanted everything to end so I could return to school. I assumed everything would fall in order, lockdown lifted, ASUU calls of strike, school resumption, life would be beautiful again. I was in for a ride of disappointment.

You can imagine how my heart soared when the corona virus plague gradually decreased and the lockdown was finally lifted totally. I was anticipating returning to school again but then the meetings between ASUU and the Federal Government broke my soaring heart. After following the news for a while, it dawned on me that school might not be resuming in the year. I stopped reading.

I was exhausted, I started imagining if that was how life would be after school and I did not have a job. The voice, “What job self? Are you studying a professional course?” echoed in my head. Frustration slowly creeped into my heart and swept all over me. I was very conscious of the time that passed by without me having much to be proud of achieving. I do not know which was worse; the sadness I felt about it or the fact that I could do nothing to change it. Sadness hits different when it overwhelms you and you can not change that which brought the sadness. I felt powerless, helpless, useless even.

There was nothing I could do. I was just sitting home being sad about things I could not change. I watched people take up new skills, get serious and productive with their lives while I just sat at home, directionless. I wanted to take up a skill, learn something and be serious about something. But I did not even know the skill to take up. I was confused, extremely directionless. I started battling with my self-esteem. I do have low self-esteem issues (But I am working on that.) I felt extremely low every time I thought of how my life was going, felt I was just existing, breathing, taking space yet not adding value. To make it worse, I had a not so sensitive friend who made it a priority to remind me that I wasn’t doing anything very productive with myself. But then again, I had other friends who reminded me the things I were good at and ways I had improved and could keep improving myself. Bless those people, sometimes the right company is more than enough blessing. It was then that I realized that I had been very harsh with myself, looking down at myself and feeling like nothing. I had learnt to bake a few things (still need more practice), I was improving my writing skills (Storytelling and poetry), I had even started a blog @wordsfromsophia.wordpress.com. It was not much but I was improving myself in little ways, I should not have been feeling so useless. Even little drops of water can still fill a bucket. I was even improving my spiritual life, I had joined an online bible study and prayer group.

When I started commending myself on the little I was doing, the garment of directionless the lockdown clothed me with slowly began to fall off my body. Recently, I even picked up a skill on web design and I am working a novel I want to write. Slowly I am learning to ignore the negatives and utilize the opportunity that the lock down has brought. It might be rare for us as undergraduates to find such free time on our path again. So, I am trying to use this time to do the things I might not have the time to do again.

A reminder for me and you: Directionless is a state that we have all found ourselves in at some point. If you are feeling directionless right now, I want you to understand that it’s okay. You are not the only one who feels that way. This lockdown has put a whole lot of us through a rollercoaster of emotions. Please do not look down on yourself and negatively compare yourself to others. Be kind to yourself. Even if you are not where you want to be in life at the moment, keep making efforts no matter how small, you will get there. Breathe, learn something new, have fun. Stay strong you’re not alone. You will find you.

Contributor: Sophia (UNIZIK)

Edited and published by Directionless